Helloooo (echo echo echo echo...)

I have no idea who reads LJ anymore. In fact, I have no idea who still reads MY LJ, seeing as my posts have become so few and far between that you could probably count how many times Haley's comet has come around between journal updates. Facebook really has taken over the landscape of digital contact, but the updates are small and you usually need to already know what's going on in my life to get the little quips and one-liners that comprise my statuses. I miss LJ. I miss writing in long paragraph form. I miss having the energy to do it. Admittedly, if I didn't have FB giving me the excuse to just post some shorthand comment instead of a full-fledged description of what's going on in my life I would in all likelihood still be posting regularly here. I guess it is what it is.

Anyway, I'm back on LJ because I really WANT to write something. Something substantial (well...in size if not in meaning). And I'm not really sure I know how anymore. But I'm willing to give it a try. I may not be back on livejournal for another (goddess knows how long) but I'm here today, I'm writing today, and you're more than welcome to read whatever the hell ends up on this page.

So....life updates...probably not in any particular order, possibly repeating myself constantly, and maybe even contradicitng myself at times, but...well, here you go....

For those of you who have lost track of me, I have graduated from LCC's Surgical Tech program, I have landed a job in Kalamazoo, and I have moved down to the area and am living with Chuck. Most days, I really do love the job. Some days, the people annoy me so much I want to scream "WE'RE NOT IN F**KING HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE!!!!! GROW UP!", but most days, I do love the job and the things that I see on a daily basis. I have also been officially accepted into Western Michigan, and I'm taking the necessary steps toward getting started in their Biomedical Sciences program this coming January. I'm still getting to knwo the area, and there are days (like today) when I really miss my Lansing friends. But I've made a couple friends at work, I've been going out to the bars, and I've been hanging out with the friends I have who moved to this area before I got here. I do think I'm going to like it here.

In terms of everything else in life...well...right now I'm at a point where I'm trying to find my bearings. I miss playing music, I miss being in sketch comedy/theatre productions, I miss road trips, I miss the mountains...it seems like I've had my nose to the grindstone for so long that I've forgotten how to enjoy the little things. That could just be how I feel today, though. I'm not really sure. The temperature dropped, and when that happens it never takes much for a small bout of depression to set in. I'm pretty sure I didn't feel this way yesterday. In fact, I'm pretty sure just 2 days ago I was feeling pretty good about things. But for the moment I'm thinking about all the things I've let slip to the wayside that I loved doing, all in the name of bettering myself. And I miss them. I miss going to Brushwood for a week at a time, instead of trying to fit in a weekend where I can. I want to go back out west ASAP because I'm gradually forgetting what it feels like to look up and see mountains. Real mountains. I miss seeing my friends. If you're reading this, I probably miss you.

The NEXT American Idol!!!!

I've decided that I need to record my next rant about American Idol (how the show is an insult to actual working bands an artists, how 99% of the show's viewers/voters do absolutely nothing to support the careers of the very artists they vote for once they start releasing albums, how the artists are offered horrible contracts that almost guarantee their failure in the business, how the judges play everything up for the cameras, etc), use an auto-tune app to turn that rant into a song, show up to next season's beginning auditions, and play that song for the judges.

What do you think? Do I have a shot at being the next American Idol?

A question...

Does anyone on my friends' list know anything about the International Scholar Laureate Program Delegation on Medicine?
I receive a lot of junk mail and a lot of feelers from small colleges through Phi Theta Kappa, and I received this in the mail today asking if I would be interested in participating in this Delegation on Medicine in Melbourne, Australia, this coming June. It would be $3300 out of pocket for the conference alone, and on line I'm finding several people saying they've done it and it was worth every cent. It looks like a great opportunity to see some things I've been wanting to do through medicine up close and personal, but naturally I'm just a bit skeptical about receiving things like this.

Does anybody know anything about this organization?

2011 Resolution #1: Post to LJ more often.

It would appear that I only had 7 posts in all of 2010, which I would consider abysmally low considering how often I actually log on (3-6 times a week). I would actually put that number at 7.5, because there is one that I had almost finished in September, and then just never posted. It was actually auto-saved on here. It was long and boring anyway, so you didn't miss a whole lot.

But anyway, resolution: Be less creepy stalkerish and post to LJ every once in a while! Cheers!

It's official!

My acceptance letter into the Surgical Technology Program came in the mail not 20 minutes ago. I now have the paper reserving my spot signed, dated and enveloped and I'll be dropping it off in a mailbox on the way to work tonight.


The Church of Easy Answers

When I was younger I believed in easy answers. I believed that anything that didn't come easy, or at least with little effort, was best dealt with by giving up and moving on; finding a new easy answer to replace the hard question more than resolve it. In fact, this belief was so entrenched in the foundation of who I was that I didn't even recognize it for what it was. I would only ever try to a certain extent, and even as I was giving up I would think that I did my best. But the simple fact is that with a lot of things I did, I never even came close to doing my best. If the answer came with relative ease, which it usually did, I'd get it and I'd move on. But if something went wrong in the process of working this out, like a step that could only be reached via a necessary method that I couldn't figure out, or even if the process itself was just taking too long, I'd simply walk away. No harm done, right? I did my best, didn't I? Obviously it would be better if I just stayed with the knowledge I had attained easily until I find the next concept that comes easy. Or the worst argument I could say to myself....

If I really wanted it that badly, it wouldn't be this hard.

It's really quite amazing how I survived as long as I did jumping from one easy answer to another. But at the same time it really isn't. Continuing to believe in easy answers is simply a starting point, and until this is realized and rectified every possible path branching off from this one core belief is a downhill road that easily winds until the original path is a distant memory from a previous life; something almost forgettable as the need for an easy answer keeps you skipping over the more complicated questions or complex situations that just don't fit in your search of the next landing point able to be ascertained with little to no effort. And then, when you start to notice that you've been skipping entire paragraphs, pages, years, life-changing events, etc, you start to create the easy answers to fill in the blanks. The easiest of these answers is always something along the lines of "It's not my fault". Because once you establish that, everything else can be explained easily. It's just a matter if filling in the blanks. You've justified where you are. In fact, it's where you wanted to be all along. You just didn't know it until now. But it feels so right. I mean, it's easy! How can it not feel right?

But then "It's not my fault" turns into "It's everyone's fault but mine". Then the easy answer is to place blame. To cut people out of your life. To gradually isolate yourself. And, sure, you make new friends. You have people on your side through every easy answer that you've followed. Why? Because you're the one retelling the events. And you tell it with conviction, because you truly believe this is what happened! And it is easy to believe because you followed every single easy answer there was to follow along the way, thus making the story easy to follow and you, the hero of the tale, easy to relate to.

But as the pattern unfolds and repeats, unfolds and repeats, eventually it will be discovered that something will be the fault of this friend; or this group of friends; or this community. And it will be time to move on again. And eventually there will be no more new friends or circles of friends to jump to; no new community to be welcomed and enfolded in to. And then the easy answer is the pure sanctity of isolation. Worlds of walls to be embraced within, alone. Roots to be made out of alienating vines that have touched too many soils to know how deep any of them go.

Then, if you're lucky, a question that is completely unanswerable in your Church of Easy Answers, yet at the same time completely unavoidable, causes convictions to crack. The irony is that it probably presents itself as an easy question. Maybe even a question you've satisfactorily answered several leaps before. "Why am I still sad?". "Why am I lonely?". "Am I still a good person?". Maybe even just "Who can I hang out with tonight?". That's when those easy answers become uneasy realities that you're alone and you've burned every bridge before it was even built completely. And sometimes there's nothing more perplexing than a yes or no question.

Again, if you're lucky, you start to piece things together. You start to put a little more time and a little more effort in those processes. Backtracking is never as fast as the original trip down, but by necessity it is much more thorough. You find that there are some bridges that you can rebuild, there are some stretches you probably shouldn't retread, and that there is some damage you simply can't undo. But it's important to find a new branch of this path to head back to the foundation, even if it's a harder course. Even if it's a painful answer and a long hard look in the mirror at more stops than you can count. But you keep learning as you go back up the now rocky, angled path. You learn to let go of some things that are easy to carry with you on the way down, but that only weigh you down on the way back up. Maybe it's that false sense of pride that goes first. Maybe it's the devastating habit of isolation. Maybe it's the burden of immunity from self blame. And as you let these things go, it's just as important to remember that "This is good enough" is just another easy answer when you know you're not there yet. Because all variations included, you can only take a path in two directions: Up and down. Standing still just doesn't happen. But if you can reach the foundation, the core of the belief that launches everything, and change that one simple truth, then maybe you can start a new path. A less destructive path. A good path with it's own trials and tribulations. Not an easy path, but a maneuverable one that leads away from walls and toward redemption. Toward trust. Toward love.

So here I am. I'm not sure if I'm in the middle of backtracking or much closer to that original point where I realized that I needed to. But I am trying to find my way back up. I've definitely had some looks in the mirror. And I'm learning the hard way that there are some hurtful things I've done that I can't fix or undo. But I won't let that drag me down, and I won't stop trying to be a better person. Or just a good person for that matter. Just keep going up.

Easy, right?
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy

Progress report.

As of January when I started my diet and exercise routine I weighed 253 pounds. As of Friday, February 26th, I weight 237 pounds. That's 16 down, 17 to go.


Get stoned and give head!

It's Valentine's Day! The anniversary of the day St. Valentine (though not called "Saint" at the time) was stoned and beheaded by his captors. By obvious natural progression, this has turned into the holiday the majority of the western world celebrates by purchasing overpriced candies, flowers and cards as a means to show their significant others just how much they want to have sex with them instead of sleeping on the couch for a week. So everybody celebrate! Get stoned! Give head! It's Valentine's Day! Wheeeeee...